Pendulum of Growth
We often think of the process of growth, or changing ourselves for the better, as an uphill climb. In some sense, this is accurate if we mean that we have to press against resistance, build strength and stamina, and that it doesn’t actually get easier as you go. But what I have found is that this linear, although inclining view, is very one-directional. It assumes that we always move forward: onward and upward. If you have ever set out to change a habit, let go of a sin, alter a character flaw, or just learn something new, you know well that you don’t always move forward.
This view of growth and expectation of its experience has left me time and time again discouraged, disappointed, and feeling very lost. At times, we will mess up, fall back, stumble, or even straight up fail, falling into sin or giving up altogether. With the forward and up model, the journey has ended, no mountaintop experience. Or at least it has come to a complete halt. But what if we take a different view of what is actually happening along the way?
As a child, my favorite recess equipment was the swing set. The movement at the beginning is quite challenging as you work to heave your weight back and forth. Soon, you find that very weight to be an aid to you as you build the asset of momentum. Once you get going, you pretty much stay going until you either slam your feet into the dirt or simply kick your feet up and stop trying.
This, at least for me, is a way more accurate and helpful view of the journey of growth. It’s most difficult to get going, it doesn’t get altogether easier, you have to intentionally move and put in effort to stay moving. You aren't always moving forward and up, but also backward and down. Momentum builds as you go; it’s your greatest asset but can be lost. Sometimes choices can slam the brakes on, leaving you to heave the weight of starting again. And if you let go of intentionality, kicking your feet up for too long, the momentum leaves you.
We don’t simply move forward. There is a process of trying a new thing, a new approach, applying a truth, or setting a goal and missing the mark. We tend to overcompensate and then overcorrect. What we are truly working for is not a mountaintop experience, it’s a balance and a sense of coming to the center. We can see this overcorrection process all over the place: in economics, finance, politics, and social environments. We see a flaw or make a mistake, and we tend to go way over to the opposite side. Then when we recognize the flaw or unsustainability of that approach, we swing way back, the momentum of the large leap sending us quite far to the other side once again.
No journey in my life has been a greater representation of this than my pursuit to change my health habits. God has used this area of my life to show me His character and teach me how to best respond to my imperfections and limitedness.
Recently He has shown me that my “normal” approach to setting out on a journey to improve by laying out a “perfect” plan, setting little short-term goals along the way, and visualizing the mountaintop end goal wasn’t realistic or reflective of how He designed me. And that I was often even romanticizing that end place and not allowing God to determine the destination. When my plan is inevitably thwarted, I fail to reach the checkpoints, or I stumble, even falling back into old habits, I would feel like I was turning around and walking back down the mountain. I would feel like all the things I was trying to do to get up the mountain clearly weren’t working if they didn’t keep me in that constant movement forward.
But there is room for mistakes and failures, and overcorrection with God. That room is grace. What I was really doing was swinging between “all” and “nothing”, from movement to resignation, from filled with hope to filled with doubt.
The enemy would tempt me with the idea that “Nothing will change. I keep trying and it isn’t working. I’m still not there so it won’t ever work. I must have been doing it all wrong and now I have no idea what else I can do. None of those things I was doing must be the answer. If I was in such a good place, feeling so near to God, and I could end up here again what hope do I have?”
The enemy makes us think that we get one shot to find the solution and one shot to get it right. God says, “My grace is sufficient for you when you fail, and I will walk with you and be your strength when you are weak.” His grace makes room for our humanity and for the fact that we just don’t have all the tools yet; we have to learn, and most of the time slowly, and it makes room for Him to show up, reminding us it’s not all on us and that He loves to be there for us.
Instead, now I have learned to run back to my center and run there quickly. To run to Jesus. To run to my Dad when I mess up, saying, “Oops Father, I went too far again. I didn’t see that coming. I went the wrong way. I ignored your warning. Forgive me, use this to teach me. Help me discern what you want me to learn, what tools to keep and what to let go of. Show me what I actually need to do to grow and become more like Jesus. Thank You that Your mercy is new every morning.”
As we swing wildly from one side to the other, struggling with all and nothing, let’s stop for a moment and remember that we can be gentle. We can take smaller steps with an open mind and an open heart for where God decides to take us. If we make a small change, and we inevitably mess up, we won’t have crazy momentum to swing us off to the other side. We don’t need crazy momentum. We long for steady, peaceful, grounded motion and to come to a place that is centered and balanced. A place where we simply continue, maintain, and are in a state of “remaining” until God calls us to more.
As we involve God and lean on His grace, He will walk us through the next steps. He will offer forgiveness that empowers us to keep going, pressing on toward the goal with perseverance (Romans 5:3-5).
His love is powerful. His grace is sufficient. We have to learn to run quickly to God when we are in need. We have to be quick to ask for forgiveness and open our hearts to completely receive it and let it be forgiven. We have to ask for discernment: “What was working that God wants me to keep? And what wasn’t that landed me in this place of mistake?”
It is okay to make mistakes. It’s okay if you went to “all” and swung way off to “nothing”. Come back to your center. Run to the rock and firm foundation of Jesus and begin again. Not from the bottom of the mountain, but from a little closer to the center where you belong. Be still and know that He is God, not you, before you set yourself into motion again. Take with you what He wants you to keep, repent, and let go of what He asks you to let go of, and ask for Him to empower you to make your next move without overcorrecting this time.
I don’t think we will ever hang perfectly still at the center in this life. We will mess up. We will sway back and forth until we are made new in heaven. But I believe that when we do things God’s way with grace, forgiveness, love, repentance, and seeking to glorify Him and obey His word, we don’t swing wildly, shooting so high and crashing so hard. He will steady this process of growth and sanctification and hold that swinging pendulum of change safely in His hand, giving us just the momentum we need.