Making Up in Marriage

Marriage is such an incredible mystery. How two people are meant and enabled to work as one person is remarkable. It is mind-bending and challenging, but achieving this oneness is also crucial. One of my greatest areas of impact is in my home. The state of the relationships in my home affects how we head out into the world and choose to interact with it.

If we don’t glorify God in our own homes, will we be equipped to represent Him in the world?

No matter how much they seemingly have in common, two individual people are not only different; they are vastly different. Especially man and woman. They have different experiences that shape what they notice and what those things mean to them. They have different assumptions based on their perspectives. They have different priorities. They want to be treated differently, and what is important to them in how they are treated is different. They communicate differently. They perceive love differently. They express emotions differently. I could keep going on, it seems, until I would run out of words to express the differences. That’s because the differences go right down to the heart into the things words can’t even describe.

So it should be no surprise when, in marriage, you find yourself in the midst of great or frequent conflict and in need of resolution and healing. These differences have to be experienced and made known before you can work out how to come together and work as one person. There will always be conflicts, but how do we handle them and resolve them in ways that accomplish this oneness?

God is showing me that, with our many differences, the only true way is having just two things in common:

A common goal or purpose for the marriage and a submission to a common authority

The alternative to a common goal is working against each other for two separate goals, which will never lead to you both working together. And the alternative to submission to a common authority is attempting to get the other person to submit to your authority instead of humbly submitting to the same person together.

Essentially, your goal will be to exalt yourself and theirs to exalt themselves. You will work to conform them to your ideal image, and they will work to conform you to theirs. You will be battling to force them to submit to your way, and they will be battling to force you to submit to their way.

You will try to change each other by your own power and opinion. Instead, you both need to be changed together by Christ and His authority.

We have to make a major shift from working independently to working interdependently. From working alone to working together. We have to move from separate to common, from multiple to one.

From trying to exalt two different people to exalting one. From exalting self to exalting Christ. From two ways to the right way. And from enforcing “my way” to submitting to Christ’s way.

His ways are higher than our fleshy ways, and there can’t be two people in charge. Who are we to be exalted, and what do we know about “being in charge”? I have seen time and time again that when either myself or my husband try to be in charge and exalt ourselves by our own standards, we make a mess of things.

When my husband is submitted to leading like Christ with love, and I am submitted to loving like Christ with respect, there is so much goodness, order, and peace in our marriage!

When the goal of our marriage is to exalt Christ, we act like Him. Humbly and in sacrificial service to one another. A common goal to reflect a common authority leads to common actions. This means mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sacrifice, service, patience, kindness. We are both trying to be more like Jesus instead of trying to get the other person to be more like me.

Our nature and culture are so contrary to God’s way and the teachings of Jesus. Our nature wants to fight, not submit. We want to fight for our rights, our opinion, our pride, our status, our authority, our reputation, our wants, our needs, our power…our way. But God tells us to do the opposite and submit all of those things to Him.

In Mark chapter 9 verses 33-41, the apostles are arguing over “who is the greatest”. If this doesn’t display the atmosphere and heart of any argument in marriage, I don’t know what does. Astonishingly, Jesus responds not by telling them who has done the most in His eyes, but by laying out what it means to be a servant. He is essentially telling them, the way to be the greatest is to seek to be the least.

He tells them to be like a child and like a servant. In Jesus’ day, children were seen very differently. They were insignificant and had no rights under the law until they reached an adult age. And in His day, many great people had servants. And if you recall the multiple stories of “washing feet”, whether that was Jesus washing the disciples’ feet or the woman washing Jesus’ feet, the picture being painted is that the job of washing someone's feet was that of the lowest and last servant.

So Jesus was saying, instead of fighting for significance and status, be humble. And instead of fighting for your own rights, lay them down in service to others.

This requires you, instead of relying on yourself, or your spouse for that matter, to rely on God to defend your rights, justify you, uphold you, validate you, prove your worth and so on. This is rooting your identity in Christ.

Can you stop and contemplate the effect this would have on our marriages if we acted this way?

Instead of criticizing him by pointing out what’s “wrong”, celebrating him for all that I love in him.

Instead of trying to change him into what I think he should be, acknowledging him for how God has made him and for who God has called him to be.

Instead of trying to enforce my way, allowing God to be His leader.

Instead of wanting it done my way to be seen as something so great, to having a heart that wants my husband to know I believe in him, that he is capable, and that he is respected.

Instead of trying to be right by arguing my point, always bringing it back to what Jesus commands for us both.

Instead of justifying myself when I am wronged at the expense of causing him pain too, choose to trust God to make things right and in turn immediately and unconditionally give grace and forgiveness.

Now imagine how you would feel if someone treated you this way. How would that, in turn, affect or change how you then responded to them? There is more power in our love and encouragement to heal, restore, and make change than in our criticism and pride. God’s way is the only way that has the power to lead to life. Any other way will lead to death, destruction, and disorder.

I can tell you that as I humble myself and say “not my will and not my way but Yours be done”, I have experienced such joy in my marriage. There has not been a single time that desiring to glorify Christ by choosing to humble myself and act like Him has EVER left me feeling empty. I always walk away so full. Full of hope, joy, gratitude, and peace regardless of how it is received.

Now, even having experienced the joys of doing marriage God’s way, the joys of being humbled, it’s still hard. It’s still a choice.

And of course, the radical responsibility part is not waiting for your spouse to do it first. Not blaming them for your disobedience. Not refusing to take responsibility for doing not only what God has called YOU to do, but also expecting of yourself the exact thing you are expecting of your spouse.

It’s so at war with the way of our nature. We have to do it by His power. That means we look to Christ, remind ourselves that we didn’t deserve the kindness of His character. We didn’t have to do anything as a prerequisite to be loved this way. And if a wretch like me can be loved like that by Him, what could ever stop me from having the power to pour out love like His on my marriage?

In my marriage, I choose to exalt Christ, not myself. To gladly take the humbled position. To ask for and give forgiveness quickly. To sacrificially serve my husband. To celebrate, not criticize. To trust God to justify, validate, and defend me. And allow Him to change my husband's heart, convict him, and lead him. That’s God’s job, not mine and He is far more capable and trustworthy to carry those responsibilities than I am.

I will joyfully take radical responsibility by using the power of choice. I will exercise my God-given ability to positively impact my life, my marriage, and my husband with gratitude for the glory of God.