Strength in the Midst of Weakness
There seems to be a cycle I have gone through over and over in my walk with the Lord. I get to a place where I feel so connected to His Spirit, so near to Him that I am on fire. My heart feels like it wants to break out of my chest and send me running through life, shouting, “How great is the name of Jesus!” And then inevitably, something happens. Something knocks me off my feet, out of my routine, or I stumble. To be very transparent, it’s usually not a stumble but a very hard fall on my face.
About a year ago, I was in that place. That heart of fire, "want to break out" place. And when I am there, I am also in great spirits in every other area of my life. So I was eating well, sticking to my budget, exercising, and building relationships. You know the drill. I was feeling truly well and strong spiritually, and that was bleeding out into every area of my life. Then a conflict with a friend happened. I didn't expect it, and it was so discouraging. I’ll spare you the sad story, but what resulted was that I fell hard. My brain and the enemy swirled me around the toilet of self-judgment, self-pity, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, doubt, discouragement, and complete embarrassment.
Then what followed was a spiral, a complete and total shutdown. I slammed the brakes on. I quit everything. I was so overcome with heaviness and regret that I just couldn’t keep it all up. I didn’t want to. I just didn’t have the strength in my heart to care anymore. I felt weak and let every good habit fall away and spiraled for what felt like months.
And this left me questioning, “If the Word says that He has made me strong and that the righteous cannot be moved, how do I remain strong in the midst of hard times? How do I tap into God’s strength?”
I never thought I would get back to this place. You know the heart on fire one? Honestly, I was scared to be here again. It was a lot of work getting there the first time, and falling from that high was so painful. But as God would have it, He restored my joy. The journey or “work” has been amazing and worth every effort and difficulty. But remember that cycle I mentioned? Yeah, it happened again.
The enemy is always waiting. He is consistent and knows the things that catch us up and threaten our strength. He has no more power than we give him, but he does have influence. And he was waiting for his chance again. Like before, he mustered up a conflict. A big one. And I failed hard. I was every opposite characteristic of what a wife should be. I was not gentle, kind, understanding, or honorable. And I unleashed my anger onto my husband in a way I didn’t think was still in me. I couldn’t believe it! “How?! How am I here again? How can I be so near to the Lord and still be this person? So ugly, sinful, and weak!”
But this time was different. I didn’t let the enemy swirl me around the toilet. I remembered that last time this happened, when I finally picked up my Bible and when I finally sat back down to cry out to God, everything, at that moment, started to change again. Everything started to heal and be restored in an instant. So this time, I ran. And ran quickly, to the feet of Jesus. I cried out, asked for forgiveness, poured my heart out, and got honest. I accepted that forgiveness and the completed work of Jesus on the cross to forgive my sins and give me full access to my Heavenly Father. His grace and His mercy, casting off fear, guilt, and shame, renewed my strength. Instead of falling away in weakness, I pressed in. I persevered and kept going. I had the strength then to do the next hard thing. I expressed my regret to my husband and asked him for forgiveness too. Reconciliation came so fast, and I had the strength to continue the healthy spiritual and physical habits that got me to that place on fire to begin with.
I believe there are two kinds of experiences when it comes to God’s strength. One that reveals His power to supernaturally heal. The kind where you wake up one day and you are completely different. The addiction is gone, the desire is changed, your sickness is healed. And then there is the one that reveals His power to sanctify.
God revealed my heart to me. The parts that still aren’t like Jesus. And He showed me that what I was expecting of strength was a moment of overcoming. I thought if I was walking in God’s strength, then the evidence of this would be that I wasn’t weak anymore. The reality is God doesn’t always remove our weakness. The strength He wants on display is not that of us looking strong in the absence of weakness but of how we feel strong in the midst of weakness because we are renewed by His strength revealed in His sacrifice, forgiveness, mercy, and grace.
God gave me the revelation that strength is not in simply being strong enough to not fail, but to let God carry you in those failures. And for the freedom He offers in Jesus allow you to run to Him immediately for help. The strength is in the fact that we are not alone. We are not separated from God when or because we fail. Praise Jesus, because the truth is we are weak!
The enemy tries to make us expect ourselves to be perfect, like God. But we aren’t. Then he tries to convince us that when we are weak, it’s evidence that we just don’t believe enough. He gets our eyes fixed on ourselves, our weakness, and calls us sinners. And then he piles on the guilt and accusations so that we hide ourselves and our eyes from our Father.
Our strength is in running to Him. Just like an earthly dad, when you mess up as a child, a loving father would say, “Come talk to me. What happened? I forgive you, let me help you. I love you and it’s going to be ok.”
The enemy tries to convince us we don’t get that kind of love from God because we don’t deserve it. But our Father says, “You don’t deserve it, you don’t have to deserve it. You have all of me because I love you and did it all for you in Jesus. You are not alone.”
We draw strength from the truth of God’s Word, from receiving over and over again the mercy and grace that we desperately need without trying to work for it. We put off guilt and shame to run with perseverance. To press in and press on in faith that nothing separates us from God. And we rejoice, with hearts on fire, that one day we will no longer be weak, and we will reflect the perfect love of God. Until that day, I will boast all the more of my weakness for all the ways it reveals the strength and love of my Heavenly Father.
This week I am resting in the waters of grace and mercy as He restores my soul and renews my strength.