Feeling Distant from God

As I mentioned last week, we lost my mother-in-law unexpectedly. I have to preface this by saying I was so thankful and glad to be able to be there, to see the people I love, and to help in any way I could. That being said, it was a difficult and challenging week.

I came back from that week empty, drained, and feeling distant. Distant from myself and from God. The days coming back were still stressful getting my own home back in order and getting back into our work routine. My prayers were very self-focused and just seemed lacking. The time away from Him left my love for Him a little dim. My heart just didn’t feel in it.

But I started every prayer and every talk with God just testifying that I believe that He is the same. He is the same as He was weeks ago before the time away. And He has always been the same since before time began. I was holding on to that. I knew I felt different but that didn’t reflect anything about Him or about how He feels.

So I just kept showing up. Thankfully over the last couple of years, God has given me what I asked for: the hunger to want to be with Him and the desire to be in His Word. He has helped me build a daily habit of some kind of connection with Him. By the time we got back, even though I felt distant, I still couldn't wait to get back to Him. I missed Him. I missed being in His presence.

So about three days after we got back, I started my morning prayer time, testifying of His immutability, that He does not change in His being, His attributes, His purposes, or His promises, and then I followed with a request.

I knew how I was feeling was the problem, but I didn’t ask for and wasn’t looking for a “feeling”. I asked that He would just allow me to be in His presence again. That He would meet me here and remain with me. Over the years of praying, I have learned that God delights to give more of Himself. I have been able to experience the fact that there is nothing sweeter than that. The more I know of Him and know of His love for me, the deeper my love grows for Him in return. THAT is what changes your heart and your life. And “feelings” just simply come as a byproduct of being immersed in His goodness.

So I asked Him to come with no doubt expecting He would show up. But He absolutely overwhelmed me.

As I did my study in John 1, I was meditating on John the Baptist’s words “The Lamb of God”. I was thinking about Jesus on the cross. Then God spoke right to my heart. “I chose you.”

I hope I can do God’s message justice with my words because what He gave me was more of a vision or an experience.

It hit me that God chose me and God never changes. He is the same since before time began. He chose me then, before time. He knew me. He knew my name. He knew my heart. He even knew my face.

He is the same as the day He hung on the cross. He knew me then. He knew my name. He knew my heart. He knew my face.

And then I saw Him. I met Jesus in heaven. For me, it was the first time meeting Him. But He knew me, remembered me like an old friend. He recognized me. He knew my face. There was zero hesitation. He exclaimed with pure joy and delight in His eyes “Rachel! I’m so happy to be with you! I am so happy you are with Me! Come, look! I can’t wait to show you the place I have prepared and what I have for you!”

There was no hesitation. No disappointment. No need for explanation. Simply delight. He was simply delighted I was there.

That moment was the absence of all rejection, guilt, shame, hurt, doubt, distance, and emptiness. It all faded away in His presence. As people, we hold grudges, offenses, and distance with other people. Jesus doesn’t. When He says “It is finished.” and “I will remember your sins no more.” He really means it. He died for it all on the cross, and by His free grace, He left it there, truly. He remembers it no more.

In that moment, I felt the depth of God’s love. I will live in that love fully someday in heaven, but I am living in that same love now. He never changes. That means that’s how He loves me now. I am living in that love now! Always! That same love He had on the cross when He saw MY face is how He feels now when I feel distant. That same love He had on the cross is the same love He feels when I wrong Him. It never changes.

He will embrace me in heaven. Like a long-ago friend or a father embracing his son after years apart. There will be no distance, no hesitation, and He will recognize me. Because He knows me now. He loves me now, and that continues from now into eternity, unchanged.

Seeing His face, so delighted to see me. Seeing His arms open wide, longing to embrace me and wrap me in His love. Feeling like the most special person in the world! I can’t help but want everyone to know that love. It makes me want to love people like that.

When someone wrongs me, forget it. When someone rejects me, let it go. When someone hurts me, let God deal with it. And instead of holding a grudge, embrace them with joy. Complete forgiveness. I want people to feel that kind of unconditional love.

My husband, my family, my friends, my enemies, and strangers.

For those meeting me for the first time, I want them to feel like I recognize them. Like I am delighted to see them. Like they are the most special person in the world. Almost as if I’ve missed them.

Being in the presence of God's love, when we truly understand it: when we see it based on HIS Word and His characteristics instead of projecting ours onto Him, it changes us. He doesn’t love like we do. His love doesn’t ebb and flow based on how much time we spend with Him like mine does. It doesn’t grow dim when I wrong Him. And He has forgiven the wrongs and holds no grudge.

I pray everyone gets to know that love. I pray for you if you don’t know Jesus, meet Him. Read His words. Reach out to someone and ask about Him. Talk to Him and ask Him to forgive you and pour out that love and forgiveness on you. Give Him your life, your heart, and your obedience. Let Him be the one in charge of your life.

And I pray for you as a believer. That you truly understand that love too so that we can go out into the world and BE that love.

I want the world to know Jesus. There is no more precious gift than Him. There is no greater joy than being loved so perfectly.

“God give me your heart. Give me the heart of Jesus. One day I will be face to face with You. And in the fullness of your love, I will be completely undone and remade like you. Let my heart reflect your love in this life, to this world so they can come face to face with Jesus too. Amen”