The Gift of Disappointment

In the past year, I have reached a level of peace, confidence, hope, and assurance that I have never experienced before. And quite honestly, at one point, thought was not possible. I was hopeless, falling apart, filled with fear, and thought I might even be going crazy. As I was reflecting in prayer yesterday, I was curious in my heart just how this culminated. How did I get from one place to the opposite? What was the key that unlocked the door?

In experience, it kind of felt like an overnight thing. Kind of like pushing your fist through plastic wrap. It was a long season of pushing, pressing, and building pressure. Then one day, POP! I guess it’s called a breakthrough for that reason. But in reality, that’s not really how “breakthroughs” work. It’s not overnight, and it’s not in an instant,

I love the analogy of the sculpture. He hammers the granite block 99 times and it cracks on the 100th swing. It seems that the single 100th swing is what finally cracked the rock, but in fact, the real force and the one to credit is the 99 other blows that seemed to be accomplishing nothing. The 99 moments of doubt that anything was working or changing.

Those 99 swings were the seeking, praying, testing, and the repeated choice to believe when all hope felt lost that led to this moment where I have topped the mountain and have a clear view. I can see reality through the lens of truth with clarity. The clarity is like taking a deep long breath after holding it for a lifetime. The pressure building in your head and the burning in your chest finally relieved as a light-headed and light-hearted peace washes over you.

But looking back, it was not clear and felt like I was walking blindly through a thick wooded forest. It was hard and painful. And there were tons of disappointments along the way.

And that’s when it hit me. Disappointments! That was the key.

Before the peace, confidence, hope, and assurance, I had the opposite. Fear, paranoia, anxiety, despair, defeat, and doubt. What moved me from one to the other was disappointment. I was searching for those precious gifts of peace, confidence, hope, and assurance. But in all the wrong places.

I wanted to feel a sense of calm knowing that the future is secure, a sense of value knowing that I am loved, a sense of boldness knowing the truth, and a sense of steady groundedness knowing that I was standing on a firm foundation. I wanted to know that I could live without fear. Fear of loss, fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, fear of death, fear of being unloved or unimportant, fear of being rejected or unaccepted, fear of staying stuck, fear of judgment, fear of being hurt, fear of betrayal. I could go on and on.

So this manifested in control. I was trying to control my marriage, control my body, control my diet, control others' well-being and growth, control my money, control others' feelings, control my habits. Again I could go on and on. And what resulted was not control. It left me feeling more out of control than ever. This pursuit and approach to life only left me more aware of just how little control I have. This caused even more fear. At every turn, my attempt to control was bested and that instilled in me yet another reason to fear. Clearly I can’t control these things and if I can’t then who’s to say I am safe?

I wanted to feel safe. But how can you feel safe in a world you can’t control?

We have to recognize that there is One far greater than our “self” that is in control. And we have to recognize that He is good in all of His ways. And that He is perfect and the perfect one for the job.

I could never get to the point where I was putting ALL MY TRUST in God because I was still searching for what I needed from things of this world. Even good things become idols.

I was starving for affection from my husband. It didn’t matter how much he gave, it never felt like enough. It never got rid of the fear and insecurity. That’s because he is human. I am not “safe” in him alone. My husband is an amazing man. One that loves in a way that reflects Christ and that I wish every woman could experience. But he still falls short. He still has the capacity to hurt me and to let me down. Disappointment.

And the same goes for me toward him. We disappoint each other. But our sense of safety with each other comes from Christ at the center of our marriage. That’s because, unlike myself or my husband, God never changes. He is sovereign and I can trust that whatever comes He is in control. And it gives me great rest knowing that my husband and I submit to Him. Peace.

I was striving to be accepted or liked by everyone. I needed to be understood and approved of no matter the cost. That meant not being true to myself, to my beliefs, to my convictions, passions, and faith. I was changing myself to suit the environment. And when inevitably someone wasn’t a fan of me or even rejected me that meant I was rejected and unaccepted. That there is in fact something wrong with me. Disappointment.

But in Christ, I am not rejected. He not only accepts me as I am, He created me. And even at my worst, as a sinner, He died for me. On my behalf. And He promises that no matter what I do, His feelings will never change toward me. Confidence.

I was searching for value in affection and acceptance and since it was never enough, I never felt truly valued. Again, placing the validation of my value in people who can make mistakes and who do make mistakes will leave me disappointed. We don’t always treat people or value people as if they are truly very valuable. When your value rests on a person's actions or opinions and it seems someone doesn’t see you as valuable enough to do the right thing or consider you, then you must not be so valuable. Disappointment.

But when you place the validation of our value on Christ and you see how Christ died for you, how He has given you every hope and promise for eternity, how He promises NOTHING can take that from you, how He promises to never forsake you or harm you, and you realize this promise is coming from the One who never changes you can realize then that it can’t be taken from you and you are unimaginably valuable. Assurance

There are so many examples and perspectives I can share, but the point is, when we look to people, circumstances, things of this world, or ourselves to satisfy us, to meet our needs, to shape our identity and how we see ourselves, to find safety, to ease fears we will be disappointed.

I thank God for those disappointments. I thank God for the loss, the pain, the mistakes, and the discomfort. If I had felt content I would never have let go. I would have two hands filled and clutching to things that could never fully satisfy. To things that are broken, fallen, and changing.

I had to see that I was putting my trust, hope, faith, value, identity, peace, joy, safety, and assurance in things that can be destroyed, lost, and stolen. I had to be let down. I had to make big mistakes. I had to be wrong. I had to be humbled. I had to be disappointed. So that I would let go. So that I could make room.

I couldn’t put my trust in God if it was already in everything else. I couldn’t reach out and take hold of all that He has to offer with hands filled. He knew just how hard it would be for me to choose to put those things down. He knew how hard it would be for me to surrender my efforts to control. My efforts to be God. And He knew how I would suffer if I continued to clutch on to these things. He knew that suffering would be far greater than the pain of disappointment. And He knew I would always be disappointed.

So He gently and graciously walked me and led me through the process of unfolding one finger at a time. Taking one hurt at a time. One expectation and one disappointment at a time. Laying it down and replacing it with Him.

If the source of it can be stolen, then the fruit can be stolen. If anything you have or wish to gain is rooted in something that is imperfect, fallible, or able to be taken then it too can be taken from you.

Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

If it is rooted in the eternal, the perfect, the unchanging, the untouchable, and in the One who CAN control and defend it all, nothing can steal it.

There will be pain, there will be loss. I will make mistakes. I won’t be for everyone. I will hurt people and they will hurt me. I will sin. I will have unmet needs and expectations at times. People will pass away and possessions be destroyed. The economy could fail. The country could fall apart. I could get sick. I could be insulted. I could lose my home. I could lose my friends. I could be hated. I could be alone. My life could be taken. Yes all this is possible but… My peace, confidence, hope, identity, value, safety, joy, love, fulfillment, satisfaction, and assurance cannot be stolen. Because they are rooted in God. Rooted in what Christ did for me and accomplished on the cross. Rooted in what can’t be taken and what will never disappoint.

What a gift! What a wonderful trade for being disappointed…